How’s your Christmas shopping going? Mine is going how it always goes…

January: I am going to hand craft ALL my Christmas presents this year, this will include learning to crochet a beautiful granny-square afghan. I have a whole yera, how hard can it be?

February: Crochet is impossible, it defies all logic – anyone who can do this obviously practices some sort of witchcraft or magic. I get knitting, knitting makes sense (although I still can’t do it) crochet though… I still want to make all my presents so I will stick to what I know.

March: Have paid a small fortune for new watercolour paints and paper. Everybody is going to LOVE the paintings I’m doing for them – can’t wait to see their faces on Christmas day!

April: The painting I’ve done of my Mum’s cat looks terrible, it looks like a horse. Ironically the painting of my friends horse looks like a pile of crap! Think again Angie, think again.

May: I have more than half a year before the big day. Plenty of time.

June: It’s summer, I have no concept of this thing you call “Christmas”.

July: See June.

August: See July.

September: Why are the supermarkets full of giant tins of Quality Street ALREADY. Madness. They are pretty cheap though, must remember to buy some.

October: I know, I may not be able to hand-craft all my Christmas presents myself, but I can purchase hand-made items from Etsy. Super plan, Why didn’t I think of this earlier? Thank goodness I have plenty of time, no need to rush.

November: REALLY must start ordering those gifts I want from Etsy – actually if I buy from UK sellers I still have plenty of time. Phew.

December: Amazon, you are a lifesaver! I may actually pull off this Christmas malarky after all… OK so the gifts aren’t hand-crafted per se but I can wrap them beautifully with hand-stamped kraft paper and vintage ribbons and raffia. Great.

December 24th: What time do the shops shut? I need wrapping paper, like, NOW! You’ll have to drive me too because I had Disaronno with my Coco Pops this morning.

Christmas Day: Not for the first year I am making my way to family get-togethers via the Motorway Service Station to buy a hugely over-priced tin of Quality Street because once more I completely forgot.

Boxing Day: Of course what I should do is go to all the sales today and buy next years presents. Yeah, right.

And then it’s back to January to repeat it all again. I know I still have time, that it’s still only November, but really – why fight it?

I know, today’s Tuesday, but I wanted to share this extract I’ve read of a new Karen Carpenter biography by Randy Schmidt. We all know the story and hearing it again doesn’t make it any easier, but this is really well written and a stark reminder that eating disorders aren’t really about eating at all, but control and how you see yourself in the universe.

The hindsight feels so cruel – you want to be there for her, knowing what we know now and make things alright, but life doesn’t work like that. You have to take in the the culmination of bad descions and experiences and lead to the inevitable tragic concequence.

After I read it I went straight to this poem. It’s not just the swears that have meant this poem has endeared for so long…

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

‘This Be The Verse’ by Philip Larkin

AKA – August break XXIII

I’ve got photographers-block. It’s like writers-block but, you know, with photos instead of words (although I think I’ve got that as well).

I’m not sure if I’m in this photo funk because I’m feeling a bit useless and unenergized right now or vice-versa. The very thought of sorting out cameras, memory-cards, batteries, film and actually having to use my arms to lift a camera to my face and work out exposures and press that shutter seems like too gargantuan a task. Impossible. So I haven’t bothered. OK, I’m exaggerating a little; I have taken the odd snap, but my mojo is definitely elsewhere right now. I hope it’s having a good time without me!

And so, here we are again at Monday. A new week, a new start, blah di blah. <– see – don’t even have energy to construct a sentence.

I am writing this to give myself a metaphorical (although I think it needs to be more physical) kick up the bum. A kick is exactly what’s called for as I know exactly why I’m in this negative place – they’re reasons that don’t sound like they have much to do with the problem in hand directly but I am beginning to realise are inexorably linked and hold the key to… everything really.

1. Time (too little of it). This is actually a pointless thing to ‘blame’ and shouldn’t be on the list. Time is abstract – it’s what we do in that time is what’s important. I waste a lot of it and I need to be much better organised – I’m going to try picturing my life in 30 minute blocks and see if any blocks can be shuffled, reduced or eliminated. (Eliminated sounds good).

2. Body (too much of it). I am very much aware that I am what I eat and at the moment I am probably about 3/5 sugar, 2/5 fat and 1/5 preservatives, salt plus anything else that’s bad for you that they put into food. I have two modes when it comes to eating – very, very bad and very, very good – and as it’s a LOT easier to eat badly than to eat well, that’s the side that’s winning. So, today I’m ‘back on the wagon’ and I am going to try and put the horror of PE lessons at school behind me and do more exercise – whilst there’s still some light after work to utilise. Yeah, we’ll see about that one.

3. Self-belief (too little of it). That last comment of mine should tell you all you need to know about my self-belief right now! I guess it’s a chicken-and-egg thing though, so hopefully once I start the ball (egg) rolling things will fall into place and I can start believing again.

4. Stuff (too much of it). Yes, this old chestnut! Please, please don’t look back over all the times I’ve said this on this blog. I am still drowning if pointless and unnecessary possessions. It’s taking at least half an hour to find anything now and housework simply involves rearranging piles of stuff and transporting them to different rooms. I’m going to get rid of at least one thing every day – that’s a start, at least!

Thanks for reading this far! It feels good to have written it down – makes it all seem doable and really rather trivial when you consider the problems that so many people in the world are going through right now.

On that note let me mention one of my favourite and most purchased from shops on Etsy; DutchDoor Press. They create the most beautiful letterpress cards and prints and are donating 100% of all todays (23rd August’s) proceeds to UNICEFs relief project in Pakistan.

You know that bit in the Matrix when Neo suddenly ‘gets it’. They’ve been banging on and on at him to just ‘look into himself’ and feel it; to know that he is the one, but he can’t quite do it. He tries to act like he’s special and almost convinces everyone that yes, he is indeed the one but when the heat is on he just can’t cut it.

Then it happens. He suddenly ‘gets it’ and everything slots into place. He doesn’t need to try anymore; he is so tuned in he is in complete command and can control anyone or anything. Well, this is the kinda what happened to me yesterday.

I don’t mean that I suddenly got really good at martial arts or at stopping bullets mid-air (that would be cool though). Nor do I believe I’ve been chosen to save the universe from mortal peril. My sudden revelation was in fact just me realising what it actually was I wanted to do with my ‘free’ time. Sound so simple when I put it like that!

And if the realisation and outpouring on yesterdays blog weren’t enough, the comments and emails I got in return were terriffic and very moving (thank you, thank you). The internet gave me a great big hug and it felt good.

Totally going to have to watch this film again. I love it.

I’ve been having a good, hard think lately. Thinking about why I spend so much time online and what the heck am I actually trying to achieve with things like this blog.

Me: Do you want to make your fortune selling photos from your shop?

Me: Hmm, a fortune does sound nice but it’s not what really drives me to do stuff. I love the recognition and the thought that someone has chosen to spend money on something I’ve created and even has it hanging in their home. That’s MUCH more motivating. Not the ‘fortune’.

Me: Do you want to be a freelance website designer (it is your day job after all)?

No. No, no, no. So many reasons for this answer but I’ve become quite disillusioned with it all. And at the end of the day, it’s all about (and so it should be all about) somebody elses vision. Doing it for a day job is fantastic, but beyond the 9-5 – shutters are down.

Me: So, you want to be a proper ‘artist’?

Me: Closer. This is feeling more me. The word artist though has so many connotations, it’s a world I’m not part of and a bit too cliquey. But like I say, it’s closer to what I’m after.

Me: OK, so what sort of non-artist would you be?

Me: A photographer. Sounds grand, sounds proper. Sounds like if I call myself that I ought to really know what I’m talking about. This is feeling good though! I love the thought of learning about new photographic techniques; discovering old cameras and bringing them to life – seeing what they can produce. Imagery is important, it’s my passion. That’s it, that’s what I want to do.

Me: That’s great. Is that all there is to it?

Me: Not quite – there’s another dimension to it. I want to share. To show you guys what I’ve been doing and hear what you think. When I discover a new camera and get amazing photos from it I want to grab a cup of coffee with you and go through them, show you what I did and try and persuade you to give it a go too.

When I get a roll of film back from the developers and they’re all blank I want to know I have an outlet  to let the world know what went wrong and help others avoid the same mistake. If I create a funky new action in Photoshop I want to give it away and see what amazing stuff other people do with it.

All these things are what I want, what I really, really want and now I’ve sorted this out in my head everything suddenly seems easier. I think I’m going to find things a lot more manageable and enjoyable. Focused.

Me: Have you quite finished?

Me: Yessss! For now, anyway.

Right then, shall we grab that coffee and look at some photos?

Pentax K1000 + Kodak Ektar 100 film

Polaroid SX-70 + 600 film + ND filter on film pack

Diana-F + FujiFilm Superia 100 film